Confessions Of An Under-buyer

It starts with ‘just a t-shirt.’ next thing you know, you’re leaving a store with $300 of stuff! Money doula, AJ Frenzel, wants you to practice aggressive truth telling with yourself and decide where you want your money to go – before going to any store.

Under-buyer or spender, thrifter or shopper, it’s all good. But, know yourself and commit to putting your money where your priorities are in a sustainable way.

Has this ever happened to you? You went to the grocery store for milk, and came home with three full bags of groceries? But, avocados were ON SALE!

AJ Frenzel was at a shopping mall. She didn’t consider herself a Big Saver, nor a Big Spender. She wasn’t thinking anything along those lines when she saw a t-shirt she liked. So, she picked it up. It was $30, but she really liked it.

So, she looked through a rack of pants, and wouldn’t you know it? There were a cute pair of pants that went great with that t-shirt. She thought, ‘These are awesome! I’ll totally wear these.’ Cha ching!

She left the mall with $300 in purchases. When she got home, she did a double-take on her purchases.

“How did that happen? What am I doing? Did I really want to spend this money? Did I really have this money to spend?”  — AJ FRENZEL

Spending money can be a thrill, can’t it?  Just a little indulgence, a little pick-me-up, a little rebellion  - whispers your inner voice.

AJ knew she had some Aggressive Truth-Telling to do with herself.

It felt powerful to make those purchases. There was a momentum, and AJ got caught up in its current. When she re-examined what she bought and asked herself where it was important to her for her money to go, she realized a few things:

  • The thrill had passed. She wanted to return the items. And, she did.
  • She’s not the type of buyer who buys Just One Thing. It’s not her personality to be someone who eats Only One Cookie. Per author Gretchen Rubin, AJ decided to embrace her inner Underbuyer: someone whose buying habits fall on the don’t-buy-stuff-often end of the spectrum.
  • She decided for herself going forward that it is easier buying nothing, than buying one thing. Buying “one thing” opens a tap for her that she doesn’t want open. Thankfully, her husband is great at list-shopping at the grocery store!

“My budget, my spending priorities are on ME before I step into any store.”

— AJ FRENZEL

The So, Do It! Society aims to provide a safe space for its members to explore ideas and discuss sparks of insight.

In this show, AJ and Society Members discuss:

  • Three Money Doula Habits for spending decisions and transactions.
  • What is scarcity and how does it affect the brain?
  • What does it mean to be “in the tunnel?”
  • How to set yourself up for positive reinforcement.
“There’s no wrong time to think differently about your money.”
— AJ FRENZEL

Resources that came up during the group discussion include (none of these are affiliate links):

What about you?

  • How would you describe your buying persona/habits?
  • Do you use a system to set and maintain a budget?
  • Does scarcity affect how you feel about your finances?

“All The Feels” We are human magnets.

Host Cj Staples, Life Coach, author and founding member of the So, do it! Society

You’re working it.

You’re hustling.

You’ve got your nose to the grind stone, acting on your goals.

So, why do you feel like you’re not getting anywhere any time soon? Have you asked yourself how you want to feel?

True, feelings don’t pay bills! But, they are a type of fuel that does influence your thinking, your choices, and your actions. Host, Cj Staples wants you to bring awareness to your feelings and whether they are boosting your efforts, or dragging you down.

“We are like magnets, and what we think, how we behave is how we attract our right life… we are human magnets!”
— CJ STAPLES
Old stories die hard. Do you have a story, an experience, a thought running in the background of your mind on automatic pilot? Cj Staples wants you to consider that there are feelings behind it, and they’re underlying your daily actions. Those feelings are influencing your magnetism, and thereby what is being drawn into your daily life!

Here is an example of an Old Story. Say, your mom was a child of the Great Depression whose default reply was, ‘I can’t afford…’ Her experience of lack created a story about what she could afford, and that story stayed with her (and you) for years. Consider possible feelings under that story: pinched, deprived, out of (her) control, and self-sacrifice.

What about your thoughts (story) about resources, money, financial flow? Are any feelings like those perhaps fueling your story about finances and your ability to afford your goals? Are they helping you, or hindering you?

Cj shares that a key way to disarm our old stories is to consider what feelings we want to prioritize and make a practice of developing, nurturing, and focusing on choices that will create them. In other words, if we are magnets, let’s be intentional with how they’re tuned!

One way Cj courts her desired feeling of Affluence (within her current means) is buying organic produce. Photo by Lum3n.com from Pexels

One way Cj courts her desired feeling of Affluence (within her current means) is buying organic produce. Photo by Lum3n.com from Pexels

The So, Do It! Society aims to provide a safe space for its members to explore ideas and discuss sparks of insight.

In this show, Cj and Society Members discuss:

  • What it means to choose how we feel and why it matters.
  • Favorite authors who have written about the power of feelings behind our thoughts and actions.
  • Core Words and when it’s time to re-evaluate them.
  • How to act “as if” to practice and build momentum toward your desired feelings.
  • What are some words that describe feelings group members want as their Core Feelings to “tune their magnets?”

    For Cj, a Core Word has been Affluence, because it conveys freedom to her: freedom to support things she loves, like a solar- and wind-powered house at some point, and travel. Affluence, to her, as a goal feeling, brings a sense of peace, clarity, and joy. Others in the group discussed Flow, Completion, Joy, and Inner Peace as their Core Words.

    Once you’re aware of your Core Words – those 3-5 feelings you want to live with daily – the next step is to commit to bring your awareness to them. Some tools for doing this include:

    Resources that came up during the group discussion include (none of these are affiliate links):

    • Author Danielle LaPorte – Firestarter Sessions After you dig into these straight-talking sermons and burning questions about your truest desires — from career to relationships — you’ll be clear that the only permission you need to shine … is your own.
    • Author Florence Scovel Shinn – was an American artist and book illustrator who became a New Thought spiritual teacher and metaphysical writer in her middle years. In New Thought circles, she is best known for her first book, The Game of Life and How to Play It  (1925).
    • So, Do It! Society – A Members Only Online Community for Creative Women who Crave Connection, Collaboration, and Learning
    • The Big Leap – book by author Gay Hendricks, a psychologist, writer, and teacher in the field of personal growth, relationships, and body intelligence.
    • Fifty Fun Things with Teresa Thomas, Founder of Minnesota Women In Networking.
    • Profit First – author and entrepreneur Mike Michalowicz details the cash management system that will ensure any business – of any size, in any industry, no matter how much debt it carries or how many years it has been operating— will become permanently profitable.
    • Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting – Upbeat, humorous, and iconoclastic, author Lynn Grabhorn introduced readers to the Law of Attraction in 2000 with this book.
    • Byron Katie’s The Work.

    What about you?

    • What are the top 3 feelings you want to feel on a daily basis?
    • Do you have a Focus Word for this month, this season, or this year?
    • You’ve got your Word: what can/do you do to help yourself feel that way every day?

    If you’re craving connection with other women who are showing up for their “it” and making sh!t happen, join us in the So, Do It! Society, where you’ll be seen, safe, supported, and celebrated.

What are some words that describe feelings group members want as their Core Feelings to “tune their magnets?”

For Cj, a Core Word has been Affluence, because it conveys freedom to her: freedom to support things she loves, like a solar- and wind-powered house at some point, and travel. Affluence, to her, as a goal feeling, brings a sense of peace, clarity, and joy. Others in the group discussed Flow, Completion, Joy, and Inner Peace as their Core Words.

Once you’re aware of your Core Words – those 3-5 feelings you want to live with daily – the next step is to commit to bring your awareness to them. Some tools for doing this include:

Resources that came up during the group discussion include (none of these are affiliate links):

  • Author Danielle LaPorte – Firestarter Sessions After you dig into these straight-talking sermons and burning questions about your truest desires — from career to relationships — you’ll be clear that the only permission you need to shine … is your own.
  • Author Florence Scovel Shinn – was an American artist and book illustrator who became a New Thought spiritual teacher and metaphysical writer in her middle years. In New Thought circles, she is best known for her first book, The Game of Life and How to Play It  (1925).
  • So, Do It! Society – A Members Only Online Community for Creative Women who Crave Connection, Collaboration, and Learning
  • The Big Leap – book by author Gay Hendricks, a psychologist, writer, and teacher in the field of personal growth, relationships, and body intelligence.
  • Fifty Fun Things with Teresa Thomas, Founder of Minnesota Women In Networking.
  • Profit First – author and entrepreneur Mike Michalowicz details the cash management system that will ensure any business – of any size, in any industry, no matter how much debt it carries or how many years it has been operating— will become permanently profitable.
  • Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting – Upbeat, humorous, and iconoclastic, author Lynn Grabhorn introduced readers to the Law of Attraction in 2000 with this book.
  • Byron Katie’s The Work.

What about you?

  • What are the top 3 feelings you want to feel on a daily basis?
  • Do you have a Focus Word for this month, this season, or this year?
  • You’ve got your Word: what can/do you do to help yourself feel that way every day?

If you’re craving connection with other women who are showing up for their “it” and making sh!t happen, join us in the So, Do It! Society, where you’ll be seen, safe, supported, and celebrated!

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Describe Yourself, Entrepreneur!

Host Lorie Marsh guides the conversation with Guest, Jentri Quinn

In the gig economy, confidently describing yourself & what you’re about is an invaluable skill. Host, Lorie Marsh, invites beauty entrepreneur, Jentri Quinn of jentri quinn makeup + skin, to dive into an impromptu 2-word hero description (one adjective and one noun) for herself.

In a story of transformation, the hero is usually tripped up by a “tragic flaw.” What’s Jentri’s, and how has it affected her journey as an entrepreneur?

Jentri Quinn is the founder of jentri quinn makeup + skin, and has partnered with Alex Deandre Demola Serrato, founder of Cotone Clothing (cotone means “cotton” in italian), an Italian-infused clothing and accessories store based out of Austin, TX.

Lorie first met Jentri in the summer of 2005 when she producing an independent feature film in Austin and Jentri was head of the film’s makeup + hair department. Jentri is also a screenwriter and filmmaker.

Many artists and creative entrepreneurs work side hustles: part-time jobs, freelancing, adjunct teaching, and so on. Jentri got licensed as an aesthetician, and it wasn’t long before she was formulating her own products for her clients.

After meeting Alex, they officially launched her skincare and makeup lines several years ago and sell them from both their online and brick and mortar stores.

Join us for a discussion about defining yourself for yourself, even as your path seems to be going all over the place:

  • Why does Jentri describe herself as a “resilient hopeful?”
  • Are hope and belief different? What’s the difference between hope and optimism?
  • What is a strength of hers that informs her “tragic flaw?”

“no one can be the red cross by herself.” — jentri quinn

  • How does she handle rejection?
  • What are the components of an about sentence, and how can it help you with perspective?
  • What has Jentri learned about grit as she’s aged?

Empathy, kindness, and hopeful resilience are terrific strengths to nurture and celebrate. If one or more of these traits is out of balance, though, anybody might find herself undermining her own authority, enabling someone else’s continued poor choices, or nearly “drowning” herself trying to rescue others.

“Only with experience can you figure it out. Unless you go through it, there’s no way to know what your limits are. You can’t learn, you can’t grow without those experiences. It is bittersweet to go through them… But, i know i’m going to wake up every day and keep doing it anyways.” — Jentri Quinn

Despite the struggles of bootstrapping a retail startup, Jentri and Alex are committed to giving back to their community. She shares why this is a priority for them, and how they go about this without “breaking the bank.”

The discussion then opened up to the group, who shared observations about the power of words, balancing empathy, owning strengths, recognizing how and when they get out of balance, and the power of choosing an outlook that supports empowerment, not victimhood.

“You’re living the story you’re telling!” — kelly pratt

Resources that came up during the group discussion include:

  • Maia Community – a new growing, free, searchable guide to women-owned products and services, nationwide.
  • Impact Hub – impact hub msp provides tools to help take your purposeful work to the next level by connecting you to our community of entrepreneurs, innovators, consultants, and nonprofit professionals.
  • So, do it! Society – a private online community for creative women who crave connection, collaboration, and learning
  • “The Style Statement” by Danielle Laporte – book (not an affiliate link) – an inspiring take on the power of style and authenticity. Style statement: a two-word compass that helps you make more confident choices in life — from your wardrobe to your relationships, your living room to your career plans.

What about you?

What two words form your hero description? Click here for a free 6-page pdf worksheet from host and Story Coach Lorie Marsh that will guide you.

What is your hero’s “tragic flaw,” and how is it affecting your goals and progress as an entrepreneur | freelancer | creative?

Does “extreme empathy” on your part ever trip you up?

If you’re craving connection with other women who are showing up for their “it” and making sh!t happen, join us in the So, do it! Society, where you’ll be seen, safe, supported, and celebrated!

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Mind Mapping with member Amanda Lathrop

  • Does it feel like you have too many spinning plates?
  • That you’re not keeping track of all of them?
  • Is it easier for you to think visually than to sit-down-and-write-an-outlined-list?

It might be time for you to experiment with mind mapping!

Tap Into Your Ideas + To Do’s Using Mind Mapping, with Special Guest Amanda Lathrop

Kelly Pratt, founder of the so do it! Society, interviews entrepreneur Amanda Lathrop about using mind mapping for tracking all the different parts of her life.

Kelly Pratt: Today we’re talking with Amanda Lathrop, who is a member of the So, Do It! Society and the owner of Lead Sheep Productions. Tell me your tagline again…?

Amanda Lathrop: Discover the past and preserve the future.

Kelly Pratt: Discover the past and preserve the future. I love that.

Amanda helps people (to) record their histories through talking and telling stories, and using the images and photos and so on of their past. And, she is brilliant at that! She also uses Mind Mapping, and that’s what we’re talking about today.

I’ve been using Mind Mapping since about 2006. I can’t wait to hear how you use it, and how it popped into your life.

Amanda Lathrop: I use it because my life is very crazy! I use it to keep track of all the different parts of my life, and all the different things I do, have to do, would like to do some day…

For those of you who don’t know what a Mind Map is, this is an example from a book that I have. It’s basically getting everything out of your head and onto paper, or digitally; there are apps for it, too.

“I use Mind Mapping to get everything out of my head. I run my own business. I am Single With Dog, but I also help out my extended family a lot. I take care of my two nieces, took care of my grandmother while she was sick, and keep a lot afloat. Using my Map helps me to get that all out of here (points to her head) and into something that I can actually use.” — AMANDA LATHROP

Entrepreneur Amanda Lathrop shows viewers a sample Mind Map.

Kelly Pratt: Do you use Mind-Mapping to only get (stuff) out of your head, or do you use the Mind Map (itself), when you’re done?

Amanda Lathrop: I use my Mind Maps, yes. The things that I have actually accomplished, I color in.

Kelly Pratt: When you first do a Mind Map, you start with just a black box in the center. Then, as you accomplish things — it’s sort of your To Do list?

Amanda Lathrop: Yes. I use it when I sit down to make my To Do list for the month, or the week.

Kelly Pratt: Oh, ok. Wow. You actually use that as you go. I am unfortunately somebody who uses a brain dump to just dump, not to look at it again!

How did you get started with Mind Mapping?

Amanda Lathrop: I was in the fifth grade.

Kelly Pratt: Oh wow.

Amanda Lathrop: It was New Year’s Eve, and my grandmother and her husband had a Mind Mapping book (she holds up a couple books for the camera). And that night, New Year’s Eve, we sat at the kitchen table and mind-mapped our New Year’s resolutions!

Kelly Pratt: Wow. So this goes way back! I noticed the name of one of the authors as Tony Buzan (not an affiliate link).

Amanda Lathrop: Yes he’s a big person in Mind Mapping!

Kelly Pratt: Yes. He’s got an app and a community that is really big in the Mind Mapping world.

One of the books Amanda’s grandfather showed her when she was a Fifth Grader was by the inventor of Mind Mapping, Tony Buzan.

So, in fifth grade, that’s what, age 10 ? What would you Mind Map back then?

Amanda Lathrop: I think we Mind Mapped what we wanted to do for the year. (Mine was probably) get good grades.

Kelly Pratt: Did you keep doing that as you grew up?

Amanda Lathrop: I did it more intermittently, and then when I started my own company (picks up her smart phone), I found this guy wasn’t working for me as a calendar, so I got a paper planner. That’s when I started really getting hooked again (on Mind Mapping).

Kelly Pratt: Woman after my own heart! When I was in my 20s, paper planners were what everyone used. I’ve tried to go (points to her own smart phone), and I do use electronic planners for scheduling appointments. But in terms of helping me to remember — I’m a very visual person, so using a paper planner is really critical.

Paper planner people are very particular about their paper planners! It has to be right, and in the So, Do It! Society, I was inspired to launch one for sale. I’ve been designing (my own) paper planners for years, so I created the So, Do It! Planner.

Amanda has had a lot of influence on its design, and one of the things (is for it to have) a big spread so that we could visualize things after we do our trimester planning.

I imagine when you go to your Mind Map and you’re planning your week or your day, you don’t put everything from it on your To Do list?

Amanda Lathrop: No, no. I do quarters, which is three months.

“I found that when I planned per month, I always planned way more than I could do. When I planned per year, it’s like you said: you make it and then you put it away and you go on with your life! Three months seems to be where I can get to most of what I wanted to get done.” — AMANDA LATHROP

I have a lot of stuff on this quarter, because it was a big brain dump! But, I’m now intentionally saying that I’m not going to get to that this quarter and then moving it to the next quarter.

Kelly Pratt: We look at that in the Society as “progress not perfection.” You know some stuff just needs percolation, and it helps to put it on your list (or Map) so that it’s present in your mind.

Amanda Lathrop: I have a system where I start with a quarter and make my Mind Map, and that’s all my ideas and thoughts about the quarter. Then I take it and put it into my monthly calendar, based on my headings (she shows her calendar and headings on screen).

Other things on the Mind Map might stay there as, ‘Yeah that was a great idea, but it’s just not going to happen right now.’

Kelly Pratt: How long did it take you to do a quarter’s worth of a Mind Map? Is that an all day process for you, or can you get that done in an hour or two?

Amanda Lathrop: My last one took me about an hour or two. I usually have an itching to do it. I’m always thinking about — I’m not a very good NOW person, I’m working on that! I’m either in the past with my clients or in the future, ‘What’s going to come?’ So I’m always itching to do it. I already have pages for the next quarter, and I put Post It notes on them so I can write ideas as they come to me.

“My Map shows everything I can think of, or want to do. What I actually put into my monthly To Do list becomes a real thing to HAVE to do.” — AMANDA LATHROP

Is your brain’s “junk drawer” too full? Amanda Lathrop rids herself of the distraction of her “mental ephemera” by using Mind Mapping.

Kelly Pratt: So you have blank pages in your paper planner that are waiting for your next quarter. You are helping yourself (wrangle) what I call “mental ephemera.”

I think of our brains a little bit like a junk drawer where there are so many things that we should actually throw away, or at least put in its place. The definition of the word “ephemera” is the thing that you’re supposed to use once and throw away, like a ticket stub or receipt or something like that. So much of our lives are those little things that we are supposed to deal with and get rid of! I know in David Allen’s Getting Things Done process, the GTD, he calls those, “open loops.” I call it “mental ephemera.”

What you’re doing with your “mental ephemera” is when you think of something that you want to do in your next quarter, you add it with a Post It note on the blank spread for your next quarterly Mind Map. That’s a really good idea!

Amanda Lathrop: Yes, the idea is there, but then when you get to that point, you can ask if it’s still something you want (to add)? Does it fit with everything else you’re doing, too?

“Writing it down stops two things: 1) it shows you how much you really do get done, and 2) it makes you realize that you don’t have as many ideas or stuff to do as you thought you did! It’s (the ephemera is) just running over and over and over and over again. It feels like it’s a mountain, and really it’s just a hill.” — AMANDA LATHROP

Kelly Pratt: I also think it helps you to know that you’ve taken that bit of inner monologue, ‘OK, I got to remember, I got to remember…!’ and you have made it safe. You’ve made it safe by putting it at a place where you can go and find it again.

So, Do It! Salons of up to 9 women take place over 13-week trimesters and meet in-person every other week.

So, Do It! Salons of up to 9 women take place over 13-week trimesters and meet in-person every other week.

By the way, the So, Do It! Society is a place where you get things done. We have Salons, which are in-person groups, for women who have something that they’ve been wanting to do for a long time. It can be writing a book, it can be launching a planner – which is what mine is right now – it can be paying attention to your own health.

The definition of a salon is: the gathering under the roof of an inspiring host, using conversation for support and education and basically making your life a lot better. That’s what salons were back in the 17th, 18th centuries and that’s what they continue to be.

In a Salon, it’s face-to-face (groups are 9 women, maximum), and in our Society which is a private, online community found at sodoit.mn.co, we do (support and education) in community using “talk to think” like we’re doing now, and more.

But the So, Do It! Society Planner will help us gather that “mental ephemera” and provide a place to keep it safe and know where to find it. We’re making a conscious effort to print them using a woman-owned business. We’ll be printing them in the US, and they will be print-on-demand to start, so that we can change them and make them better as we discover new ways to improve the process. If anyone wants to check out our planners, make a comment below, or join the Society!

What are you looking forward to in the new year, Amanda?

Amanda Lathrop: For those of you who don’t know, my grandmother, who was my best friend, passed away right before I did my last Mind Map. I was having trouble with what do I plan on, like I’m just lost right now. So I wrote down words that I thought she would want for me.

  • I wrote down to be Healthy,
  • Successful – she was very, very supportive of my business – and,
  • I also wrote down what she would call, “‘sponsibilities” all those things around the house, and the things I want to get done.

I started with those four. I start with the time (the quarter), and I put four headings: four boxes (on my Map). I’ve been doing words that I want to describe my life. I want to be happy. So, what does that mean to me?

“My suggestion is when you do this, yourself, don’t put down something like Lose 10 Pounds. That’s not a concrete thing. What does it mean? For instance, what does it look like to be healthy? I break it down into two sections: mentally healthy, and physically healthy. Those are all in boxes, because that’s the way I think; you can do whatever you want. And then I put in circles, actions. So to be physically healthy I’m going to… Eat paleo. Or I’m going to do yoga, or I’m going to do a breathing exercise. ” — AMANDA LATHROP

To be mentally healthy, I do self care. What do I do for self care? I take a bath. I spend time with friends. And then I put the friends that I want to spend time with: Christina, Kelly, Nikki.

These become To Do items (for me), the ones in circles.

You get them by saying I want to be healthy, physically healthy. What does that mean to me? Add details. Keep breaking it down until you have something specific you can write on your calendar: ‘I’m going to have lunch with Nikki.’

Kelly Pratt: How important is it for you to do this analog, pen and paper, as opposed to finding an app for that?

Amanda Lathrop: You can see this just took me about a minute. If I had to learn an app, it would take a lot longer!

Kelly Pratt: I’m an artist as one of my labels. So, I want it to look pretty. I would have to set aside my Artist Self to do this… We’re using art supplies and paper and pen to do some internal work. We’re not making art, right?

Amanda Lathrop: Well, you could… What I would do if you’re having trouble is do this (first draft) and then go back. Once you get everything out, draw pictures of your friends, drop in pictures. Make it pretty after you get it out of your head, so that you use it.

Kelly Pratt: So, it doesn’t have to be artistic. We’re not creating collage. We are creating something that when you look at it, it helps you to feel a certain way. The way you’re doing that with your Mind Map is you’re using words.

A sample Mind Map, courtesy of Creative Commons.

I like how you said, ‘Don’t say lose 10 pounds,’ say maybe, ‘Health,’ and maybe say, ‘how do I want to feel?’

Amanda Lathrop: Yes.

RIFFING ON MORE WAYS TO SET UP & USE MIND MAPS

Kelly Pratt: A construct I discovered in about 2010 is something from the Hindu world called the Purusharthas, and they break the life down into four “aims of life.”

The Hindu Purusharthas, the Four Aims of Life. Source: Chapter8IndiaProject

One is Dharma. That’s your duty, your purpose in life —

Amanda Lathrop: “‘Sponsibilities’!

Kelly Pratt: Yes, responsibility!

Then they talk about Artha, which is the what do you need in order to perform or reach your dharma. In our cases, (maybe this means) ‘All right, I need a car. I need money. I need an apartment.’ But if say, your Dharma is to be a Fisherman on a beach in Tahiti, perhaps your Artha is only a fishing pole and maybe a tent. Artha is the stuff that you need in order to reach Dharma.

The third thing is Kama. Many people have heard of (the) Kama Sutra — all of that sort of sensual piece of it; but it’s also fun, dancing, getting out there and enjoying the world.

The final thing is Moksha, or enlightenment. So it’s four areas of life.

Amanda Lathrop: That’d make a great Mind Map!

Kelly Pratt: I know! Moksha is the freedom piece of it: the liberation, freedom from – what do I want to have freedom from? I want to have freedom from balancing my checkbook every day! Whatever. As well as, I want to have freedom to do this.

I really like this construct (of these 4 aims) instead of (Mind Mapping only) Personal | Work areas, because like you said we don’t talk (in the Society) about balance. Balance means equal parts (and, they aren’t!). We talk instead about harmony, movement, and ebbing and flowing.

Amanda Lathrop: I’m really enjoying the words I want to use to describe my life. For instance, ‘If someone described your life, what would they say?’

Another idea is, in your circles, use a verb. So for my business…

Amanda Lathrop shows host, Kelly Pratt, an example of her Mind Map for her business goals during “Talk2Think,” a weekly online, live show for members of the So, Do It! Society.

Kelly Pratt: Do you keep these all in your planner?

Amanda Lathrop: Yes. It’s all on the back pages of my planner, or in the So, Do It! Planner, you could do it on the visualizer pages.

(Amanda searches her planner)

Business verbs! These are the verbs I put in that I have to do every day:

  • meet people,
  • market,
  • create,
  • admin,
  • sell,
  • and learn.

Kelly Pratt: Oh nice. That would be worth a snapshot and posting in the Society! I think people would really like to see that.

Amanda Lathrop: Keep asking, what do you actually do in your business? In my success (area) on my quarterly Mind Map, I put in those verbs and what am I doing to act on each of them.

Kelly Pratt: I’ve always been what I call a “visual journaler.” I’ve always added glued-in things — Mind Mapping really came into my life when I started I started training as a coach.

One of my mentors, Pam Slim, suggested something that she uses called Xmind (not an affiliate link), and it’s a free online software.

I think like Mind Mapping: I think like what you’re drawing, but because my mind moves so fast, sometimes writing it isn’t fast enough for me. And, I change my mind a lot! I am what we call a Quick Start: I change my mind a lot, and I’m very visual, so this particular software works for me. I’ll show you guys a couple examples.

A couple of years ago, I was working on my first web site and everyone was saying ‘Do your About Page.’ That just didn’t feel like who I was, and so I thought, ‘Why don’t I do a Mind Map of my life?’ That is easier for me when I look at something than reading a bunch of text. I used a Mind Map using Xmind to show who I am now, who influenced me, basically how I got to where I was. This was my About Page on my website.

Kelly Pratt executed the About Page on her eponymous website as a Mind Map. (created with Xmind.net)

I also use Mind Mapping when I work with clients on ZOOM which is what we’re on right now. To sketch out, what is it that we’re trying to do? For instance, I’m working with A.J. Frenzel, who is a member of our Society, on creating a booklet and some worksheets about her process. She’s a Money Doula. She’s amazing, by the way. As we were talking, I was illustrating. This is how I take notes, whether clients see it or not. It really helps me to keep track of what they’re doing, and it helps them to see what my thought process is and it helps them.

(Kelly attempts to change what’s being shared on-screen).

Kelly Pratt: There are all sorts of mind maps. The kind you’re doing is a clockwise map.

Amanda Lathrop: Yes.

Kelly Pratt: The one I was showing for Money Doula is a vertical time line where it goes down and branches out on either side. There are also ORG Charts which everybody has seen. You never know what kind of a Mind Map is going to illustrate the idea that you’re having!

One that I can share in the Society is (author and public speaker) Michael Port’s. Michael Port writes about how to attract the right clients to your business, and he published his entire marketing stream process in a Mind Map. It’s gigantic: here’s where the clients first come in, if they go here/then they go here, if they do this/ then they go here, if they don’t do this/ then they go here and they’re out. He used Xmind to do it and made it public, so that people could use that. Here’s a link to a PDF with an abbreviated version.

Amanda, I’m going to start copying you! I hope that’s ok.

Amanda Lathrop: That’s ok! For everyone, I showed my Mind Map in our Salon and everyone went, “WHOA!”

Kelly Pratt: I start with a Map, because that’s how my mind works. That’s how I can think. Sitting down and typing out in Word? That’s not my mind. Sitting down with a spreadsheet? Don’t think that way. It’s very hard for me.

But here’s the trick, you guys. If you think in a Mind Map (like me), Xmind will export into Word, into an Excel spreadsheet, into PDFs, all the rest of it. If that’s how you can get your ideas down on paper… Oh, it’s such a relief. Then you can export it into a format for your banker or whoever needs to see it.

Amanda Lathrop: What I like, too, is that if I’m working up here (on my Map) and I think of something else for down here, I can just put it down there. It’s not like a list where there’s not room to just move things (without redoing the list).

Kelly Pratt: I love the idea of starting with a big blank piece of paper and then if I need to move it to a clean — there’s Xmind, and I know Tony Buzan has an app, too — I happen to really like Xmind, and I’m just going to say, “Start there. It’s FREE. You can upgrade if you want.”

Amanda Lathrop: Or, simply use paper and pen!

Kelly Pratt: It’s really fun, and I would love to take your comments over in the Society! You can join the Society – it’s $9.99 a month and the first month is free – at sodoit.mn.co.

We are a bunch of women who are not waiting until we retire, or until our kids go to school to get things done, to get those personal projects off our back burners! It’s not just about work. It’s a holistic community of women who are doing things now.

So, c’mon over, we would love to see you, and we’d love to hear how you’re using Mind Mapping in your life.

Amanda Lathrop: If you try a Mind Map, let us see it!

Kelly Pratt: Yes! Yes, post it and we’ll get the conversation going over in the Society! Thank you for joining us today. Thanks so much, Amanda, for sharing your process with us, and we will see you in the So, Do It! Society.

,

Languages of Appreciation author Dr. Paul White

Do you feel valued for who you are in your workplace, or merely like a “work unit?” How do you stay motivated if you’re a solopreneur or remote worker? The answer can be found in your primary language of appreciation.

Kelly Pratt, founder of the So, do it! Society chats with Dr. Paul White, co-author with dr. Gary Chapman of the book, “The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.” 

Then at 22 minutes we open up the conversation so we can “talk to think” with So, do it! Society members Elaine Garley, Susan Murphy, Amanda Lathrop, Deb Brown, Susan Brauer, Cj Staples, Jeannette Grace and Michele Jacobson.

Kelly: Normally Talk2Think is just open to members, but we have a Special Guest here today, Dr. Paul White, the co-author of one of my favorite books, “The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace.” So, we decided to open it up to the world. I’m really excited to see we have a good “house” here as I would say in the theater world. Welcome Dr. Paul!

Dr. White: Glad to be here.

(Kelly then shares a couple administrative details with the viewing audience about how to leave questions in the chat, and she will open the screen to everyone after the first 20 minutes of interviewing Dr. White).

Kelly: I always choose a topic for the month. And this month out topic is Appreciation. When you said you were available to talk to us about appreciation two days before Thanksgiving, that seemed like kind of a gift from the Universe, so thank you so much for being available today!

Dr. White: I’m glad to join.

Kelly: I personally feel very strongly about the concept of appreciation. Gratitude is really important as we all know. Are they different?

Can you say a few words about how you see the difference between gratitude and appreciation?

Dr. White: You know, some people may not differentiate it too much and so it can be the same for them – but in how we talk about it, about appreciating another person (that’s the distinction). Gratitude can be a general attitude about life and different situations and circumstances, like I’m thankful it’s a beautiful day here. It’s sunny blue skies, and I enjoy that. But appreciation is being able to both have the sense and communicate appreciation to somebody for what they’ve done that’s been helpful. And even beyond that, for who they are. That’s one of the distinctions we make between appreciation in the workplace and say, employee recognition, which tends to be focused almost solely on performance and reaching goals. We believe that people are more than just Work Units.

“That’s one of the distinctions we make between appreciation in the workplace and say, employee recognition, which tends to be focused almost solely on performance and reaching goals. We believe that people are more than just Work Units. ” — DR. PAUL WHITE

Kelly: More than Work Units, yes! So, this whole concept of the languages started with Dr. Gary Chapman and his “Love Languages.” Is that correct?

Dr. White: Right.

Kelly: And, you have now interpreted that with Dr. Chapman and turned that toward the workplace, which makes so much sense.  How is it different between the personal love languages and work and appreciation in the workplace?

Dr. White’s co-author, Gary Chapman’s book that inspired theirs about Languages of Appreciation in the workplace, “The 5 Love Languages.”

Dr. White: I actually talked to Dr. Chapman this morning. He has been great to work with. He came up with the concept of The Five Love Languages, sold 11 million books in that over 25 years – it’s the 25th anniversary – it’s in 50 languages.

The Appreciation Languages are the same in name:

  • Words of Affirmation,
  • Quality Time,
  • Acts of Service,
  • Tangible Gifts,
  • and even Physical Touch – which is always an interesting one to talk about in the workplace!

But, they all look different in the workplace. For example, Words of Affirmation can either be done verbally or in writing, and sometimes it’s from a supervisor or manager communicating appreciation to one of their team members. But, it might be collegial, across peers and colleagues.

We try to train people to be very specific, versus just saying ‘good job.’ Being able to tell someone, ‘Steven, thank you for getting that report done and to me on time and a little bit early –‘ AND, we always try to help people explain why – whether it’s important to you, to the organization, or to your customer. So, ‘Steven, thanks for getting that report done to me on time, so I can incorporate it into my report to turn in to my supervisor on time.’ Be very specific about it.

We’ve had over 120,000 people take our inventory and did some research when we hit 100,000.

Words of Affirmation is about 45 percent of the population of the workforce. It’s a big group, but not everybody. Quality Time can either be that somebody wants individual time with one of their colleagues or their supervisor, so they can chat or ask questions, or they get a sense of value from someone that’s important to them spending time with them. But it also can be colleagues: hanging out with your friends at lunchtime or after work, that kind of thing.

Acts of Service is not rescuing a low-performing person, it’s more that words don’t mean that much to someone: a ‘words are cheap’ kind of perspective. “If you really want to help me out, help me get something done!”

Tangible Gifts in our model is not money or bonuses. It’s more small things that show that you’re getting to know them as a person and what they like. It could be bringing in their favorite Starbucks cup of coffee. Or, a magazine about a hobby or something that they’re doing. If they’re training for a half marathon, get one of those running magazines and say, ‘Here, I thought you might be interested in this.’

Physical Touch is an interesting one. It’s largely spontaneous celebration. I mean what do you do – it varies culturally, regionally – but, what do you do when something good happens? You know, it’s a high five when you finish a project, or a congratulatory handshake when you make a sale. It might be a fist bump when you solve a problem, that kind of thing.

I might say that Quality Time is about 30 to 35 percent of the population, Acts of Service about 20 to 25, Tangible Gifts is quite low – it’s actually about 6 percent – which is a problem for employee recognition programs that focus on gifts and rewards. Physical touch is less than 1 percent of people’s primary language, but it’s one of those things that still makes a difference, because you usually pair it with something else – whether it’s Words or Time.

Kelly: One of the things that caught my ear was ‘…getting to know the person.’ So you need to know who that person is. You’re giving them a gift that says, ‘I hear you.’ Almost all of these things are speaking to that: that I hear you, and you’re not just what you call this “Work Unit.”

Obviously right now in our culture the physical touch is an issue, or can be an issue. But, you make a point in the book that a work situation where there is absolutely no physical touch can feel very very cold. Figuring out how your (work) culture can bring in that human element is an important thing.

I founded the So, do it! Society based on my need to “talk to think,” and my number one language is Quality Time. Talking-to-think is really an important thing for me as a solopreneur. Many of us listening today are solopreneurs.

Can you be specific to how a solopreneur – someone who works by themselves – can apply some of these concepts?

Dr. White: Yeah. First, to reaffirm one of your points, communicating appreciation needs to be very individualized and personal. I mean it’s not generic: the same thing to everybody. As a result, we created an online assessment. It’s called the Motivating By Appreciation Inventory and comes with the book, or you can just buy codes separately. It identifies a person’s primary language of appreciation, their secondary, and their least valued one – which is an important one, because it’s sort of your blind spot for those around you – and then the specific actions for them.

“I founded the So, do it! Society based on my need to “talk to think,” and my number one language is Quality Time. Talking-to-think is really an important thing for me as a solopreneur. Many of us listening today are solopreneurs. Can you be specific to how a solopreneur – someone who works by themselves – can apply some of these concepts?” — KELLY PRATT

Dr. White: Along the way, we’ve worked with a variety of different work settings, and one of them has to do with remote workers. How do you communicate appreciation across distance? Words is fairly simple but Time, Acts of Service, even Gifts can be a little bit of challenge. So we created a remote, or long-distance version of the inventory that specifies actions for those.

I think the same thing occurs with those of you who are independent practitioners. You have colleagues in the field to commiserate with and to get a project done. Part of it is not just appreciation, but encouragement. When I talk about appreciation, it tends to be more “Past”-focused – what you’ve done that I value, appreciate. Encouragement, though, is coming alongside in the present and the future.

When you’re in an independent or a remote, long-distance situation, you have to be more intentional (about setting up outside interactions). Set up either a call or a video chat separately from business stuff, or maybe schedule 15 minutes before the business part of the call to check in personally and say, ‘Hey, what’s going on? What did you do this weekend?’ You have to be intentional about it, because you don’t have the sort of serendipitous kinds of interactions that occur when you’re on site.

Kelly: I think the word intentional is critical there. This is why I’ve started these salons, because there are many of us who are working alone and need this community. Without knowing it, we are showing appreciation to one another by taking intentional time to be together. We do make time for checking in and hearing one another and using the Internet as a tool (to do so). We are pretty lucky that we have this kind of interaction available to us now.

I see another question in the chat here.

Q: Does your attitude toward a current employer affect the choices that you make when you take the inventory?

Dr. White: Let me broaden that a bit in that can your current circumstances affect your answers? And the answer is yes, but we believe that most of us have sort of a core language of appreciation that we always come back to. There can be life circumstances that changes that a little bit, though.

Specifically, when as individuals – whether it’s personally or at work – we’re undergoing a really stressful time or difficult situation, Acts of Service and Quality Time pop up a little more, because in our culture that’s how people offer support. They spend time; they listen; they maybe help out.

On the other hand, if you have a supervisor who’s very gregarious and verbal saying things all the time, you can get a little satiated with that. (You might find yourself saying,) ‘George, enough words! Help me out here.’

Where I thought the question was going was if it’s a difficult relationship, or you really don’t appreciate them, what you do? We have some online training resources where we talk about that. We’re focused on authentic appreciation, not just how you go through the motions and do it. Because we don’t want people to act like they appreciate somebody if they don’t – that tends to not go well! In the book, we talk about some ways to problem-solve that: what do you do when you don’t value somebody. In fact, I have a more recent book this Spring called, “The Vibrant Workplace,” where I identified the 10 most common obstacles for showing appreciation or communicating it and how to deal with those. And that’s one of the challenges it talks about.

Kelly: What is your number one language?

Dr. White: It typically is Words. And then followed by Acts of Service. Acts of Service tends to go up when I’ve got a lot going on and I need some help digging out of the hole!

How do you communicate genuine appreciation for someone you work with whom you don’t really like?

Kelly: In the So, do it! Salons|Society, we use something called the Kolbe Index which is about work styles. What I’m finding is most of us who are attracted to this kind of gathering are Quick Starts, which means “big idea” people. We have a few who are Fact Finders and Follow Throughs… QuickStarts really need the Follow Throughs! It will be interesting to see if there is a commonality in terms of the kind of appreciation we all feel…

In the chat, I’ve been asked, is there a correlation between what your professional appreciation languages are and your personal ones?

Dr. White: We have some data on this where we’ve had people take both the Five Love Languages Assessment and the Five Languages of Appreciation. What we found is that about two thirds of the time, a person’s personal love language in personal relationships is one of their top two Languages of Appreciation. Conversely, a person’s Language of Appreciation is around 65 to 70 percent of the time, one of their top two Love Languages. So, it’s not direct. The dynamics of relationships are different in a work setting versus in a personal setting.

Kelly: I’m curious, where does money fall in here? Because it’s not one of the five, right?

“Money is not a good tool for helping people feel individually appreciated. It’s too generic and too much like a commodity obviously, rather than something that’s very personal.” — DR. PAUL WHITE

Dr. White: Right. It’s not. Well it depends when you say money — what research has done, and it’s amazing research actually, they’ve done some meta analyses over nine years and found that money is not a good long term motivator. It’s a short term motivator, especially if you don’t have what you need. But, if you have an employee and you give them a raise, it may motivate them or make them feel rewarded for a short time. But, it doesn’t really help them enjoy their work or feel satisfied or appreciated.

Money is not a good tool for helping people feel individually appreciated.

It’s too generic and too much like a commodity obviously, rather than something that’s very personal. Though, if they have a sense that it took a lot of personal time and effort to to earn this money, and that you saved it specifically for them, that’s a different kind of method because it’s the investment of your time and energy.

Money is the commodity of business, but it’s not a good tool for helping individuals feel valued and appreciated in their work.

Kelly: I know that’s probably some of the old fashioned thought is, “I’m paying you for this job; therefore you should feel appreciated.”

Dr. White: I’ve had business owners say, ‘Hey I pay them, that’s their appreciation. Have a nice day.’ One thing we know is that 79 percent of people who leave a place of employment voluntarily cite a lack of appreciation as one of the main reasons they leave. Most businesspeople think they’re leaving for more money but that’s not the case. Leaving a job is a very emotionally taxing process, and it takes an emotional driver to make that happen. It’s when you feel like nobody gives a rip about me, I’m out of here. That’s what makes it happen.

Kelly: Interesting. We are going to open this up to everyone… First, there’s a question here that says,

Is there a way to find out how your clients and colleagues like to be appreciated beyond just asking them? Is it a different question when you’re talking about clients and colleagues?

Dr. White: First of all, asking anybody is not a very effective way, because we don’t tend to think about appreciation and “how I want to be appreciated.” We haven’t figured out a way aside from taking inventory that parses out the different actions and languages. Having said that, the closest thing to it is to ask people this, “When you’re discouraged, what has encouraged you or what would encourage you?” Because we do tend to think a little bit about more encouragement. But, you’re going to get a fairly narrow band of responses.

One of the things that we did when we first started out – the focus really was on managers and supervisors to people that report to them – but fairly quickly, we got feedback that people wanted to know how to show appreciation and encouragement to their colleagues. So that’s part of our normal process and in fact, we have a free PowerPoint slide on our website which is www.appreciationatwork.com where you can do a group profile of people that you work with so you know how different people like to be shown appreciation.

The client issue has been coming up for a long time. I just finished an article earlier this week. I think it got a handle on it… Partly, it came from working with remote workers. Appreciation has to do with valuing another person, either what they do or who they are. It has to do with the relationship. So, if you try to communicate appreciation to somebody that you don’t really have a relationship with, it’s not going to go well. It’s going to be viewed either as manipulative or you’re going to miss the mark so far, it’s going to feel very generic and be a waste of time and energy.

“Your customer is a person, not an organization. Appreciation is person-to-person. This is different than your business sending a gift basket to some company you do business with.”

— DR. PAUL WHITE

One of our emphases is to help deal with the busyness that everybody feels. And one of the ways is, you aren’t supposed to do everything for everybody! You aren’t supposed to send an e-mail to everybody, because not everybody values an e-mail. You’re not supposed to spend time with everybody or check in with them, because not everyone values that. We want to identify for each person not only the language, but the specific actions within that, so that you can hit the target for each person versus doing a shotgun approach.

If you don’t have a relationship and don’t know the person very well, your best approach is some kind of verbal comment privately – maybe a personal note – and be very specific. Not just, “thanks for your help” or, “thanks for your last order.” It needs to be really specific. Your customer is a person, not an organization. Appreciation is person-to-person. This is different than your business sending a gift basket to some company you do business with. That’s organization-to-organization; that’s fine, they can do that (though, I don’t think it has much impact).

But if it’s person-to-person, the goal is to get to know that person: what they like and what they don’t like. I live in Kansas and I’m a sports follower. I grew up outside of Kansas City where the University of Kansas is. The Jayhawks play basketball. If you send me a Kansas State thing, at best I’m gonna go, “meh.” Or, I may toss it, because this is not what I’m about.

Get to know them and then try to communicate that (appreciation). Otherwise you’re really in sort of dangerous territory of actually creating some negative reactions.

Kelly: It seems to me that even as solopreneurs, many of us have a team of people that we work with. It seems a small investment to have them take the (assessment), right? We can all find out how we each feel appreciated and be armed with that information for the future. And, it wouldn’t be weird, I don’t think, to have a client take that either…?

Dr. White: It may be weird if you don’t know them at all, but if it’s a longer term, more personal relationship, no (it’s not inconceivable)… My style to introduce it would be, ‘I found cool tool about how to show appreciation in ways that are meaningful, and I value you and your business. I’d be interested (to learn) what’s the best way for me to show appreciation to you so that I don’t waste time and energy, or do something that feels weird to you.” I think somebody that you have a good relationship with would go for that.

Kelly: Let’s open the conversation here, and if we talk over each other… Raise your hand, and introduce yourself.

Dr. Paul White (top left), co-author with David Chapman of the book, “The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace,” responds to questions posed by members of the So, do it! Society during a Talk2Think session.

Amanda L.: I’m Amanda Lathrop with Lead Sheep Productions. I do video productions to capture personal, family, and business histories. I took the test two days ago, and I came back with Quality Time with a real heavy focus on feeling listened to, and my last one was actually Words of Affirmation. So I was surprised when you said that 45 percent of people are Words of Affirmation. And you said it was hard for people to (employ) their last language to work with people on that.

Could you say more about what you do if your last language is the most popular language?

Dr. White: The issue about your least valued language is that it’s not really your “normal” response: it’s not the first thing that comes to your mind. So you have to think about it a little bit more and plan for it versus it just sort of spontaneously happens. If the majority people around (you) like having compliments and so forth, you maybe have to think about that a little bit more than just hanging back, and then being specific about what it is that they do that you value.

Susan M.: I wanted to say that I had a great lesson in appreciation just this morning. I was going to do a shout out to a couple of my clients who had birthdays today. I happened to open my email and one of them said, ‘Oh could you go on my Facebook and take off that thing that notifies everybody about my birthday? I didn’t want anybody to know that!” Lesson learned there, to check about those things!

But my question is, I was once in a group that talked to a therapist about (how) we like to give what we like to receive. Have you done any studies or have thoughts about this?

Dr. White: Yes. We tend to do little pilot research studies along the way, and what we found is that about 75 percent of the people use the language that they prefer, themselves. But not everybody. It’s not one-for-one.

The best example is gifts. For a number of people who like to give gifts, receiving gifts isn’t that big a deal to them, and so you have to be careful. Part of the reason it’s tough to figure out people’s language of appreciation is you don’t have a lot of data points in the workplace. But, if, say, they’re sending a lot of notes or calling and checking often, then Words is probably an important language for them. Is it their top one? I wouldn’t assume that, but especially with gifts… Don’t assume that people like to give gifts when (if) they receive them.

In the context of gift giving, it is the thought that counts. But, keep in mind: people are most easily offended in the Language that’s important to them. So a way to offend a Gift Giver, a person to whom exchanging gifts is important, is to give everybody the same thing – because that just shows that there was no thought. They’re not going to give it back, but it doesn’t really motivate them or make them feel valued.

Kelly: In my world, I have coffee with everyone. Right? I mean I’ve had coffee with everybody I see on the screen here. So if I gave them a gift card, a coffee gift card, and said here’s for your favorite pumpkin spice latte or you personalize it in some way, then that might make up for the generics? Again it’s getting back to knowing the person…

Dr. White: Right. A gift card (itself) is not bad. I had done some volunteer work for my church, and they sent me a nice note and gave me a gift card to Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee. I gave it to my daughter. Another time a few months later, I got another note and gift card from them. This time it was to a sporting goods store. And I like to fish. I was all jazzed, ‘OK I get free fishing lures!’

Jeannette G.: I read an article several years ago that you and Gary Chapman had written. I’ve been incorporating the Five Languages of Appreciation into the communication, consulting and training that I do.

What do you think is the most important message for me to be communicating to people when I’m training around these five Languages of Appreciation? What do you want the biggest takeaway to be?

Dr. White: Thanks for your enthusiasm and support! First of all I would say, if you haven’t already, take a look at our resources. One we have developed is an online Train the Trainer course that takes about an hour and a half to go through at your own pace.

(audio issue with feedback)

As far as the key message, you know it’s 1) not everybody feels appreciated the same way; 2) that people want to be valued or appreciated not only by their supervisors and managers but also by their colleagues; and 3) if it’s not authentic, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. Those are key.

Deb B.: I have a comment. Going back to this idea of Gifts. That’s actually what my whole business is about: showing appreciation to clients and customers. But I’ve found that you can give all the same gift if you can find the commonality among your ideal clients. For example Kelly, her clients are all business owners. So what’s the thing that’s most important to them? It’s their business; that’s their babies. If she can give something that is related to their business and some sort of recognition, then across the board they’re all going to appreciate it even if it might be the same thing. Maybe it’s personalized in a different way —

I notice Elaine on the line today, and she’s in the pet business. For her clients, who are pet owners, every single one of them adores their pet. If she can find a pet-related gift, it will delight all of them because all of them have the same thing that’s important to them.

Dr. White: Right. I agree with that. Let me clarify. If you’re dealing with individual clients where you clearly can find a theme that works for them, great.

What I’ve found is if you’re dealing with a group – like if I’m working with my team, I’ve got five people that work with me. If I give them all the same gift without some personalization, it’s not going to go well. Let me give an example. I have a sister-in-law who works for a very large, well-known health care company. A couple years ago everybody, and I mean everybody from middle level management down got the same Christmas card, electronically signed by the CEO. And drum roll here! A 5 dollar gift card to Target. Way to piss people off! ‘Oh, we really value you! Here you go.’ It was across the organization.

Deb B.: I totally agree with you; I’m totally on board with that too. My husband is a corporate employee, and he got something like that, ‘Oh congratulations on your work anniversary! We really appreciate you.’

Giving everybody the same gift to show appreciation can backfire. Beware the impersonal email + gift card combo! Appreciation well-expressed is person-to-person.

If they had just allocated five dollars to his personal manager to do something that he would appreciate instead of just that electronic “meh,” he might have actually felt appreciated.

Elaine: I’m Elaine. I’m the one who helps people bring out the best in their pets. Today is interesting, because right before this meeting I was reading a Marie Forleo email about changing Thanksgiving up. Instead of saying, “Oh I’m so grateful for…” say what you appreciate. I’m working on my newsletter today to go out to my clients, and I was trying to say, ‘Oh I’m so grateful for you.’ So I was going to turn it around: Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I appreciate the love and the care that you give to your pets!

Dr. White: I think the customer/client relationship is a unique one. It has some twists to it. I think for you all as a group, as a society, I think an important topic to discuss is maybe less about appreciation, but encouragement. You know when you’re out there alone… I’ve been there. You get worn out, and you get discouraged.

First of all, how can I know? Are there any signs I can tell when you’re starting to get discouraged? Because most of us don’t just say, “Oh, help me up!” Secondly, what is encouraging to you? Using one of the five languages and the actions, I think that could be a really helpful application for you all to be able to learn how to encourage one another and and then apply it.

Kelly: That just gave me an idea. And I have no shortage of those; we know that! On this online platform that I’m building, Dr. White, there’s a way to have a little private group within there. Private, but open to all of us where we can… pop in when (we) need something, and we can talk to one another. You know, tell us what you need if you’re feeling some discouragement and share that.

The thing that I find so wonderful about our Society and the women that we’re attracting to this group is it’s an attitude of what I’ve heard called “co-oppetition.” We don’t compete with one another. Many of us do similar things. Jeanette trains people. I coach people. But none of us feels like we’re in competition with one another, and so we are very sharing about how we do our business, and so on. That’s the beauty of what we’re building here, and if we can learn how to appreciate each other, I mean, how great is that?

So Susan Brauer — What’s your language of appreciation? You’ve been helping me with strategy…

Susan B.: Mine, it actually started out to be, I think, a tie between Words of Affirmation and spending Quality Time. Words of Affirmation came out on top once I went through the next step to break the tie. Both of those things feel like… As a solopreneur you’re absolutely right that having Words of Affirmation be your premiere Language of Appreciation is tough! So, something like this Society is great.

Kelly: My original tag line, Dr. White, was “you need this (the Society) when your mirror stops talking back to you. You find yourself talking in the mirror, because it does get lonely working at your home and by yourself!”

Jeannette G.: In the research, obviously we want to be using the Language of Appreciation that speaks in the greatest volume to that person.

But in the research is there anything that says if you use the wrong language per se that it has zero effect or a negative effect?

Dr. White: I don’t have any specific research on that except for with Words. There are some people that — I have stories from each language (about how) it can be negative. I mean if somebody, they don’t like Time and you’re always stopping by, it can bug them. Or Words: I had somebody, he grew up in a setting where if somebody gave a compliment, the next thing that was coming was an “ask.” To him, (compliments) felt like, ‘What do you want from me?’

I think it’s remote that it’s going to be a high negative. Typically at worst, it’s going to be just a waste of time and energy. Most of us are gracious and say “appreciate the thought,” but whether or not that actually gets our heart? It’s more of a miss than anything else.

Kelly: Any final questions for Dr. White?

Dr. White: You can always e-mail me: Paul@drpaulwhite.com, (use the Contact Form at) www.drpaulwhite.com, and our Web site www.appreciation.com. At the Learn tab (on the website), there are free videos and articles, and we have a newsletter. We send out something once a week or so.

Kelly: I will make all of your details available in the Society. I really appreciate you spending the time to talk with us. My number one language is Quality Time, so this means the world to me to have you do this. A big, Society thank you, thank you to you!

 

“Coopetition” & Networking”

A Chat & Collaboration With Teresa Thomas, Director of MN WIN

co·op·e·ti·tion   kōˌäpəˈtiSH(ə)    n/noun  “collaboration between business competitors, in the hope of mutually beneficial results.”

Ever feel tired of the hustle? Pooped out from competing? Soul sucked out from networking? What do you get when you combine collaboration + competition? That’s right, coopetition! It might just help you reboot from the creep of ‘compassion fatigue.’

Kelly Pratt and Teresa Thomas, who both run organizations geared in service to connecting women, chat about an upcoming collaboration, borne of their “coopetition.”

KELLY: Good morning! I am Kelly Pratt with the So Do It! Society and Salons, and our guest on Talk 2 Think today is Teresa Thomas. Teresa is the founding director of Minnesota Women In Networking, which is how (she and I) first connected. It was the very first networking organization that I started when I moved back to the Twin Cities in 2012, and I haven’t wavered! It has been the best networking group I’ve found so thank you, Teresa, for all the connections you’ve made for me.

We are in a Collaboration and Cooperation mode this month, and I’m excited about some of the changes that you’ve been making. My business is all about helping women to do the things that they have been keeping in their hearts and on their back burners and it’s not all about business. It’s for women who are feeling somewhat isolated, and I just heard (this) phrase, ‘compassion fatigued,’ so women who are giving and serving and doing for others all the time. That’s basically who I am serving in the So Do It! Society.

I know what you did a year ago, which has like kind of exploded your world a little bit, is called 50 Fun Things, and it led to our collaboration (later in the month). So let’s hear about 50 Fun Things, and then we’ll talk about our collaboration.

TERESA: So a year ago, I was turning 50 in late September, and I had had not such a great year. I think I was suffering from compassion fatigue and you know, those feelings of a little bit burned out, and ‘is this really what I want the next phase of my life to look like?’ – to be on this hamster wheel and not necessarily doing the things that I really wanted to be experiencing in my life.

I originally did this just for myself: I put together a chart of fifty fun things that I wanted to experience. I shared it with my friends and life just started to change…what I didn’t expect was how much of a difference it made to others, and they encouraged me to get this stuff into the world!

It’s not a workshop; it’s a set of tools. So we can do it self-guided or with the group. It’s been really amazing seeing people from different walks of life and how their lives are opening up and having just much more fulfillment and joy in small and big ways.

You have some exciting projects that you’re working on in collaboration with some other women that were in those workshops, as well.

KELLY: It’s true! At the first 50 Fun Things event I attended at a WIN event, one of my So Doers and I were sitting next to each other, and we both discovered that we have this desire to get back into theater. That was maybe just under a year ago. Susan and I, and as of last week, another one of our So Doers in the salon decided she wants to get back into theater, too. So now the three of us just met last week, and she’s going to direct, Susan’s going to star, and I’m going to produce! Look out for this show that we’re going to be doing in the next year. And, that’s coming out of, you know, an accidental collaboration between our two organizations!

One of the things about networking groups, many of them have this limitation of only one plumber, only one coach, only one this, only one that. One of the things that attracted me to Minnesota Women In Networking is that you didn’t have any such limitations. You were very open, and you were all about lifting each other up.

I believe in collaborative competition, which is now – there’s actually a word, you can look it up, called coopetition. I’m a Martha Beck coach, and one of the things I love about our tribe is if as a coach my style of coaching doesn’t work for the person I’m talking to, I know a coach who will be the right fit. That’s what coopetition is all about.

Competition is important, and we need it to grow our businesses. But I don’t I don’t want to, you know, take down a competitor. I want my competition to be strong, because that shows that there’s a need for what we’re doing. Fifty Fun Things and Minnesota Women In Networking is the embodiment of that (concept).

TERESA: Yes, it’s fostering that win/win mindset that we can all succeed, and that we will succeed even further when we work together versus against each other. I’ve seen realtors in our meetings talking with one another and sharing ideas. I’ve seen coaches doing the same thing.

KELLY: We have a (joint) event coming up on the 13th of November. So Do It! salons go for 13 weeks, and our final final meeting for the trimester is at the end of November. And, I know you’re kind of wrapping up the year – so this is our kind of big, let’s-look-forward-to-the-end-of-our-year-and-the-beginning-of-the-next event. It’s called Money, Meaning and Mojo, three of my favorite things! Tell us a little bit about it, because you came up with this whole idea.

TERESA: It will be a special event through Women In Networking and in collaboration with the So Do It! Society, and it’s also going to bring in some aspects of 50 Fun Things. The idea really grew out of thinking how could we take those three pillars and combine meaningful connections, learning new ways to succeed, and keeping motivated to move forward.

Really it’s all about us having real open conversations about how do we keep motivated and focus on why we do what we do. How do we have real conversations about money? It’s not just the pie in the sky like, ‘oh you know, believe it and you’ll achieve it…’ but what are some hard decisions that we have to make? Or things that we have to work through? Or setbacks, and opportunities that we can claim for ourselves? To be honest you know as an entrepreneur, it’s a hard journey often times. Sometimes our mojo can use a little kick, a little bit of extra support.

So the day is designed to be very interactive. We’re going to have Lindsey Seavert from KARE 11! She’s an amazing reporter who has a heart of gold. She’ll be interviewing the two of us about what we’ve been experiencing and learning, not just ourselves, but with the women that we serve. She’ll also share her personal story about how she stays motivated, and why she does her work in what can feel like a cutthroat world of, you know, being a reporter and in the media (which all of us entrepreneurs can relate to that kind of a world).

Our other guests speakers are going to have those real conversations about money and mojo. It’s going to be a full day on Tuesday November 13, and space is limited, so you’ll want to register early. But it’s going to be a great way to not only bring the two groups together, but to have other women who aren’t part of those groups to build experiences over the day.

KELLY: Right. I think they’ll get a really good feeling for what the energy is like in both of our organizations. There’s such a, you know in a Venn diagram where the two circles kind of come together in that little Center? We really cross over a lot! I have many WIN members in our organization and vice versa. I’m actually calling mine a movement now – the So Do It! Movement.

I’m real excited we’re going to be featuring one of our So Do It! members who’s going to be talking about mojo and how she keeps it flowing. She’s also a money expert, and her name is a AJ Frenzel. The woman that is the WIN member that you’re spotlighting is entrepreneur Rosemarie Ndupuechi. She’s like a little bit of money and a little bit of mojo, too. So we’ve got a lot of mojo flying around that day!

I particularly want to say to everyone that compassion fatigue which we mentioned at the beginning is a concept that I just heard recently. It kind of hit me, in this current climate where women are finding the courage to stand up and tell their stories, this is something that – it’s a quiet sort of story that a lot of people don’t really understand. But, we take care of other people as women: even when you find yourself in a job, women are often the ones to take care of the other people in their professions. Then you go home and take care of more things. This day will be an opportunity for you to come and take care of yourself: to talk about rebooting your mojo, to take ownership of your successes, and who you are, and just have a blast for a whole day with a bunch of other really cool people.

TERESA: Yeah, to leave ya’ energized with a fresh perspective looking at 2019 and feeling like you’ve got great women who are on a similar journey who get it and are rooting you on. I want to say, about the movement, I think that’s a really powerful word. I’ve been using that with 50 Fun Things, too, because what makes that word so powerful is it’s not a limited, contained project. It’s more than that: it’s about moving forward. It’s about becoming something even greater than you could imagine.

KEEP “COOPETITION” IN MIND WHILE YOU’RE NETWORKING

Kelly Pratt, founder of the So Do It! Society, chats with the founder of the Minnesota Women In Networking (MN WIN) organization, Teresa Thomas, about “Coopetition” and how it can improve your networking.